Famous Last Words

"A lot of people, on the verge of death, utter famous last words or stiffen into attitudes, as if the final stiffening in three days' time were not enough; they will have ceased to exist three days' hence, yet they still want to arouse admiration and adopt a pose and tell a lie with their last gasp."    — Henri de Montherlant.

They'd better be Anonymous

Some not so Real Ones

• "He bubba, watch this !"    — Any redneck.
• "I'm about to get so tan you guys ?"    — Icarus.
• "I drank what ?"    — Socrates.
• "Happy Ides of March, Brutus."    — Julius Caesar.
• "Is it bring your knife to work day or something."    — Julius Caesar.
• "Aren't those the daggers I gave you for Christmas ?"    — Julius Caesar.
• "Let me think... I wonder if an anvil will drop like an apple ?"    — Isaac Newton.
• "Waiter, I said no ice in my Whisky !"    — A passenger on board of the Titanic.
• "I miss vine..."    — Tarzan's last thought as he plummets to the jungle floor.
• "Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father."    — Darth Vader.
• "Don't worry about the Rover. That's no cliff."    — NASA techie.
• "No, no, I said BUD Light !"    — Pilot of the space shuttle Challenger.
• "Oh for Christ's sake, let her drive..."    — The commander of Challenger.
• "What's that big red button for ?"    — Christa McAuliffe on board of Challenger.
• "Bloody hell, what was that ?"    — The mayor of Hiroshima.
• "Scattered showers ?!?"    — Noah.
• "I don't suppose its gonna rain ?"    — Joan of Arc.
• "Where the hell did all those Indians come from ?!?"    — General Custer.
• "I eat guys like you for breakfast !"    — Jeffrey Dahmer.
• "Yoko, why don't you try to sing one ?"    — John Lennon.
• "Courtney, I'm retiring from music and giving everything away to charity   can we live off of Hole royalties ?"
• "Here I sit all broken-hearted..."    — Elvis Presley.
• "Oh, and some more drugs and hamburgers please..."    — Elvis Presley.
• "Who greased the viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee..."    — Tarzan.
• "What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here ?"    — Airplane pilot.
• "I wonder if this thing is loaded ?"    — Kurt Cobain.
• "Keep your cotton-pickin' hands off my gin !"    — Ely Whitney.
• "I said 'Beat them all', NOT 'Eat the wall' !"    — Princess Diana.
• "These paparazzi are driving me up the wall."    — Princess Diana.
• "No more pictures, I'm a bloody Princess !"    — Princess Diana.
• "Darn, I can't auction this dress now !"    — Princess Diana.
• "Take me up the tunnel, make me scream !"    — Princess Diana.
• "Don't worry I can lose them..."    — The driver.
• "Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt."    — My granpa.
• "Careful son, that thing's loaded !"    — My late father.

And if you want to do something after you're dead, check this site out.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible !" says the man. "How long have I got ?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten ?" the man asks. "Ten what ? Months ? Weeks ? What ?!"
"Nine..."

I want to dedicate the following to Jennifer who was misdiagnosed several times in a row by cretin doctors and could have died of a Leptospirosis if it wasn't for the information I found on Internet:

Things Not to Hear During Surgery

• Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
• Someone call the janitor — we're going to need a mop.
• Bo! Bo! Come back with that ! Bad Dog !
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that ?
• Hand me that.... uh.... that uh.... thingie.
• Oh no ! I just lost my Rolex.
• Oops ! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before ?
• Darn, there goes the light again...
• Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them.
• Everybody stand back ! I lost my contact lens !
• Could you stop that thing from beating ? It's throwing my concentration off.
• What's this doing here ?
• I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
• That's cool ! Now can you make his leg twitch ?
• I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
• Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
• Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right ?
• Anyone see where I left that scalpel ?
• This patient has already had some kids, am I correct ?
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card ?
• Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
• FIRE ! FIRE ! Everyone get out now !!
• Darn ! Page 47 of the manual is missing !

Medical Reports

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. The first ones appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
• The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
• The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
• Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
• While in the emergency room, she was examined, Xrated and sent home.
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
• Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
• Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
• Examination reveals a well developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

A Philosophy on Life

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?

A death. What's that, a bonus ? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.

You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.

You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm.

It's perfect !