'Cos 90°' means it was too steep to go and has nothing to do with 1.
"Bomber" is not a noun
"Exposed" has nothing to do with flashing your privates
"Flash" has nothing to do with exposing your privates
"Friends" does not involve any kind of social contacts
"Good protection" has nothing to do with sex
"Nuts" has nothing to do with your privates
"Sending" something does not involve the USPS, UPS, or Fed-Ex
A good Saturday night is spent climbing the side of a house with ice axes and then traversing the stones inset in the swimming pool.
A highball isn't a cocktail glass.
C4 is under your shoe and the rent-a-cop doesn't say a thing at the airport
Every time you drive under a bridge on the highway you almost pull over to try and arch it.
fast food tastes better with chalk on it.
going to the Gym doesn't involve weights or treadmills.
it's perfectly fine to hang out half naked and in some sort of bondage gear with a bunch of guys.
It doesn't make sense to unpack your car, because you're just going to go on another climbing trip soon...
it's ok to talk about sliding your hand up a greasy crack.
Not only is your Nalgene scratched and covered in climbing stickers, but the stickers are so sun-bleached that you can't tell what they say.
old rusted chunks of metal and wires are keepsakes, because they were booty.
On vacation in France you admire more curves on boulders than you do on women.
saying "nice jugs" won't get you slapped.
The closest thing you've ever had to a real estate agent was the guy who sold you his VW van
the clothes you are currently wearing have chalk on THEM
the ice on the inside of your fridge is impaled with an ice screw to hold the biner that is your bottle opener
the only books you own are guides to climbs
the scent of sweat and chalk gets you excited.
The thing you want most in a new girlfriend is a set of nuts
Using harnesses and rope with your significant other has nothing to do with BD[SM]
V8 is a tough boulder problem, not a drink
What you call cold is not on the thermometer scale.
When typing you think about how you're actually training your tendons.
When you hear the words 'nose', 'captain' or 'aid', your hands start hurting and swelling.
you're missing the passenger seatbelt in your approach vehicle... and have a 2" webbing swami that matches the interior
you're super excited to see a Crack, especially if you haven't had one in a while
You've been arrested for climbing the county courthouse
you've used a static line and ascender to clean out your gutters.
You aerate your lawn with your crampons
you are a 17 year old boy and instead of searching for porn at 1AM, you search for pictures of Gunks classics like the Buddah.
You are a cashier and still have hands rougher than a carpenter.
You arrive at a climbing gym with stoppers and friends still in your bag.
You ask your dad if you can bolt your parents' sandstone fireplace.
You begin buying your shoes 2 sizes too small out of habit
You brag about taking a whipper
You can't understand why people keep asking you why your legs are always so scraped up
You can make it from your car to your attic w/out touching the floor once
you can scratch yourself with just your fingers, without using the nails at all.
you can wake up a 6:00 am on saturday on 4 hours sleep to drive 3 hours, climb all day, drive 3 hours back and drink the night away but waking up at 8:00 on monday morning to get to work for 9:00 is cruel and unheard of
you compete with your friends to see how many doors in your dorm you can drytool before you fall or tear the frame apart
You convince a buddy to be your belay slut for the day and hike 4 miles with 40 pounds worth of shit in your pack to some cliff that doesn't exist 'cause you overheard a logger in a bar talking about this "big thing back in the woods" that he almost fell off of.
you crimp and pull up on every door jam you walk under
You describe the time you fell, buildering on your friend's balcony, as "that horrible climbing accident"
you don't get in trouble for staring at someone's butt for hours.
you don't walk down stairs, your rappel them
You drop something at work and yell "Rock !"
you get confused when someone says they're rapping gifts for somebody.
you get excited cause a guy has micro-nuts
You have considered taking your dog to obedience school so he'll stop whimpering when you go too high up.
You have ever clipped a 3 ounce set of keys to your belt with a 25kn carbineer
You have had to get rings resized to accommodate "finger biceps" you didn't have before.
You have inquired as to whether or not REI has a wedding registry (they do !)
you have memorized every move on every problem in every video you have (including the 1+ gig of vids from the internet).
you have one of those "falling" dreams and on your way down you scope out the cliff to see if it will go.
you have to lie to your girlfriend to cover up your soloing habit instead of your crack habit
You hear the word "flapper" from across the room and quiver.
you introduce your girlfriend/wife as your belay partner
You know how to get on your roof without a ladder
You live in Los Angeles, have white powder residue all over your clothes, and you're not a producer.
You look at every vertical surface you see as a potential climb.
you mark your pens at work with colored tape.
You might be a real climber if your rack is so freaking huge that when your significant other asks what you want for your Bday you can't think of anything new and settle for trying to remember which cam is in the worst shape and needs replacing or which rope system is due for retirement
You moan and complain about people getting gear placement wrong in the movies and not when a single bullet blows up a car.
you no longer need to use a washcloth in the shower... your hands are rough enough
You placed anchors on the side of your 5th story apartment building so you could sleep on your porta-ledge on the weekdays.
you put you boss on hold because you have a call from you climbing partner to plan the next climbing trip
You say your girlfriend has a great rack and your not referring to her bust size
You see a pretty girl in the street and you think: "Hmmm, she's a TD+/5.11R..."
you seriously considered turning down Dartmouth to live with your parents forever and climb and then live off their inheritance when they die.
You spend three evenings cleaning the crap out from the storage place under the stairs so you can campus them.
You surf the porn sites looking for women with long shoulder lines and ripped backs.
you think chalk is the answer to everything duct tape isn't
you tie your neck tie with a figure 8 knot
You use a piton as a bottle opener, can opener, spoon, fork, and knife
your bed is no longer slept in because you need somewhere to sort your gear.
your climbing gear is the only stuff you own that is neatly put away, and organized.
your coffee cup at work has a sling attached with duct tape.
Your definition of a candlelight dinner is: "Thaw the ice with the candle and put it in the bag of freeze-dry".
your escape plan in case of a fire is rappelling out the window
Your forearms are bigger than your biceps.
Your girlfriend lives on the sixth floor of her building and you keep forgetting her door code... on purpose.
your relatives ask you to come over and put the Christmas decorations on the roof.
Your roommate stops commenting when you disappear while she's in the shower and don't come home for days at a time.
Your sun cream is always frozen solid when you need it the most.
Your tow hitch has only been used as a rappel anchor
and the number one reason you might be a climber....
you understood all the previous lines. If you even laughed, you should get back to work...
As for ice climbing, you might be an ice climber if.... (thanks to jitterjepp)
Sitting on a tropical beach with your toes in the sand sounds boring.
You use your ice axes to remove ice dams on your roof.
There are only two seasons in your world. Ice climbing and Ice climbing's coming !
You think "DAMN THIS HEAT AND GREEN STUFF TO HELL !!"
Your air conditioner is a cooling unit for a walk in freezer from Cub.
You've got the dream of buying that little hobbie farm not to raise chickens, pigs and grow your own veggies but so you can run a garden hose up that silo in the winter and have your own ice climbing palace in the winter.
You take you crampons when you go ice fishing.
You over hear your coworkers talking about how they can't wait for the snow to melt and you think "idiots"
You say you broke one of your picks and you don't own a guitar.
Your ice boots are the most expensive piece of clothing.
You can walk around in a t-shirt when it's forty degrees.
You are a guy wearing bright yellow boots and no one walking by would call you a sissy.
And the number one reason you might be an ice climber....
You live in Minnesota and go to Canada for vacation. IN THE WINTER !
Have you ever wondered who those strange people are that you've seen sleeping in the airports and bus stations. Chances are, if you're a mountaineer or adventure traveler, one of them may have been you. People sleeping on the floor, looking half dead and miserable, are an all too familiar sight in transportation terminals today. Having done this myself for a number of years, I've learned a few tricks that kept me from being tossed out on the street where I really belonged.
Believe it or not, international travel is better suited for lobby couch surfing than domestic travel because here, in the States, you get lumped into the same category as the street people. Airports are an exception to that rule. On the other hand, many international airports won't even let you in without a ticket and some charge fees just to enter.
Bus stations are different though. They are fair game to anyone seeking refuge and that's where the fun begins. Here are some useful tips based on to assumption that you really are going to use the bus station for what it was intended; to ride a bus. Of course if you're just using it for a crash pad, they work even better.
Buy a ticket first.
Even if you have no intention of riding the bus it will defuse even the most aggressive terminal employee who is trying to throw you out. This is especially true in foreign countries. I think of it as my "Get Out of Jail Free" card.
Know enough of the foreign language to at least say where you're going and when.
Night security guards at foreign bus stations don't usually speak English very well, if at all. If they know (or think) you're a bona fide traveler and not the vagrant you appear to be, they will either leave you alone or suggest a better place to sleep.
Never sleep in the chairs.
Airport and bus station chairs are specifically designed to keep you from sleeping on them and your back will hate you in the morning. I think sometimes the officials chase you away just to relieve your misery. Take a quick and easy sleeping pad like a Z-Rest. Benches and floors, even carpeted ones, get real hard after a while and a Z-Rest is easy to pick up and run with if you need to move quickly.
If you have an ice axe with you, carry it in plain sight.
Not only is it a formidable deterrent to any casual criminal, it immediately identifies you as a climber. The general assumption is that you are either dirt poor (hey, you're sleeping in a bus station) or you're certifiably insane. In most third world countries any interaction with the mentally ill is strictly taboo. Either way you're no longer a potential victim.
Offer panhandlers food when they ask for money.
In the States it will send a wino or plain street beggar packing every time. It's hard to drink or smoke a carrot. If they accept you offer, give it to them. Not only is it a good deposit in your Karmic bank but they may repay you by suggesting a better place to hang out. Overseas you might draw a crowd: play it by ear.
Carry your own toilet paper.
Self explanatory. If you ever travel in India or Nepal this one should be first on your list. The bucket under a faucet probably won't measure up to the western standard of personal hygiene.
These simple rules won't guarantee a restful, eight hours of sleep but will, in most cases, keep you off the street. The best rule of all is to do what everyone else is doing. If they're getting away with, you probably will to. Sweet dreams.
Why Climbing is Better than Sex
(a man's perspective)
When you climb, you only have to get yourself to the peak.
If you climb with someone other than your regular partner, no one gets mad, in fact, you can all three climb together and share protection !
You can reuse your protection, and someone else even cleans it for you, provided you don't put it in too deep.
You can leave your protection in for the next guy.
There IS such a thing as being too overhung.
You can get belayed without first bekissing.
A good hand jam can be as satisfying as any other kind of jam.
No matter how many times you fall off, you can always climb back on.
Having a belay slave is not a criminal offense.
The rocks never expect you to call afterward.
Dry friction is a positive quality when you're climbing.
The rocks don't care if you show up late.
The rocks don't complain after 7 or 8 pitches.
When you're climbing, a good two-finger jam will support your body weight.
Your belayer never hesitates when you yell "TAKE!"
When you're climbing, weird body positions are considered "cool".
The rocks don't scream for help when you try for the on-sight flash.
The rocks don't complain when you don't want to do cracks anymore and want to do some face.
A three-finger pocket isn't too big.
You don't have to wait an hour after getting pumped-out.
If you pop off early, the only one mad at you is yourself.
If you end up with little bumps on your skin, you can probably blame Poison Ivy or mosquitoes.
The gear is safer. And reusable.
Chalk is easier to get off the hands.
No one thinks you're weird if you have to feel around for a hole/hold.
Climbing w/o gear is safer than sex without gear. At least if you die, you die fast.
Always something to do with your feet.
Routes have safety grades, sex partners don't. I've never had a partner with a G on her forehead.
Its ok to stick your hands, feet, fingers, knees, nose, etc into any and all cracks while climbing.
You don't have to wash your climbing toys after using them.
The positions are more fun.
Climbing gets safer over the years, sex gets more dangerous.
If you fail, you can always get a second chance.
Choice of novice or expert routes.
A climb can last all day.
Guidebooks tell you who did the 1st ascent and how many time it's been done.
Lots of tight cracks.
The only rubber you wear is on your feet.
There are still rocks that haven't been touched.
I actually have someone to climb with.
Why Climbing is Better than Sex
(a woman's perspective)
The rock is always hard.
Rocks are never busy watching football when you'd rather climb.
Rocks don't complain about the kind of protection you want to use.
You can go climbing with another woman and nobody will call you names or hassle you.
You can use ropes and harnesses and nobody will think you're kinky.
You can go climbing any time of the month.
It's over when *you* reach the peak.
You won't die of embarrassment if your mother finds your rock gear.
If it's in too deep, you can yank on a nut.
Nobody ever got pregnant rock climbing !
If you need something REAL big, you can always put in a Big Bro' !
Your partner won't get mad at you if you bleed while climbing.
You can pick the length and diameter or your rope
Why Walls are Better than Women
By Wally Barker
Walls will fuck you in every imaginable way.
There are easy walls everywhere.
It's pretty easy to find Walls that really suck.
After you do a new wall, it acceptable to tell your parents.
When you're on top of a wall, it's OK to take a dump.
You can do walls even if your not hard.
You can do walls less than 16 year old and not go jail.
You can share a wall with your friends.
You can do more than one wall in a day and not feel guilty.
Most walls can be done without raincoats.
If things get tough, you can always just nail a wall.
You can do a wall in public.
If you're persistent, easy walls always will go down.
Doing 3 wall in a day is something to brag about.
Your wall will always wait patiently for you.
You don't have to get cleaned up to do a wall.
A wall doesn't care when you come.
You can enjoy walls all month long.
Walls don't get jealous when you do another wall.
How Climbing is Like Marriage
It all begins with the tying of the knot
Give'em too much slack can lead to serious trouble
Give'em too much tension can lead to serious trouble
Partner will be upset at you for not paying attention to them especially if you're admiring others
After a long hard day you don't care how your partner looks or smells
Sometimes you think to yourself "What the hell am I doing this for?!" ...but then you remember...
You need harnesses, ropes, and hardware but if all you want to do is climb then add chalk
"Soloing" will build rock-hard forearms but may lead to an obsessive habit
Getting to the top is half the goal, you have to get off as well
Nothing feels better than sliding you hand into a nice crack
Best excuses to back off a climb
By Gregory Hill and Nancy Jensen and others...
Wrong shoes.
The sun was in my eyes.
Forgot to trim my nails.
Can't do that route without a rope nobody nearby will offer to loan you.
I'd lead it, but my partner would have trouble following it.
We were going to do it, but somebody was on it.
My Land Cruiser is double parked.
I'd do it, but this is my old rope and I don't want to take falls on it.
I'd do it, but this is my new rope and I don't want to take falls on it.
Weather's looking iffy.
I just ate a big meal.
I haven't eaten enough today.
I just ate.
These pants restrict my motion too much.
This problem seems harder than last time.
I think a hold must have broken off.
It's too early.
It's too late.
Let's do something else to warm up first.
Damn — i forgot to get the beta for that one section.
Holds are getting too polished from all the climbers.
I'm not used to (sandstone/granite/quartzite/gritstone/rhyolite/mud).
I'm not used to (sport/trad).
I think there is a (insert name of favorite heinous maneuver — fist jam, arm bar, knee jam) on this pitch.
