Death quotes and epitaphs

"At the end of Braveheart, William Wallace's last word was 'Freedom!'. When I die, my last words will probably be more along the lines of: 'Aw, dammit...'."    — Eric Spratling.

Epitaphs and wishes

Note: An epitaph (literally: "on the grave" in ancient Greek) is text honoring the dead, most commonly inscribed on a tombstone or plaque or read as a funeral oration.

"Nothing is written in stone until you're dead."

"John Le Mesurier wishes it to be known that he conked out on November 15th. He sadly misses family and friends."    — John Le Mesurier (1912-83), British actor. His death announcement.

"Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."    — Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens; 1835-1910), US writer. On learning that his obituary had been published. Cable to the Associated Press.

"Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight."    — A contemporary politician about Theodore Roosevelt's (1858—1919) death.

"They really are bad shots."    — Charles De Gaulle (1890—1970), French general and statesman. Remark after narrowly escaping death in an assassination attempt.

"There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result."    — Winston Churchill (1874-1965) after a failed assassination attempt.

"I want my tombstone to say: 'It didn't make me stonger'."    — Mikee Steinberg.

"Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body."

"I told my wife I want to be cremated, She scheduled it for next tuesday."

"Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body."

"'Till death do us part' is for quitters..."

"When I die, I'd like to be scattered over my hometown. But not, like, cremated or anything."    — Mitch Berg.

"When I die, I want to be thrown out of an airplane wearing a Superman costume."

"When I die, I want my last words to be: 'I left a million dollars under the ...'"

"Bury me shallow, I'll be back..."

"I wish my first spoken word was 'Quote' so I could make my last word 'Unquote'."    — Stephen Wright.

"I came into this world kicking and screaming while covered in someone else's blood. I have no problem with going out the same way."

"Ask her to wait a moment — I am almost done."    — Mathematician Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777—1855) when informed that his wife was dying.

"After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one."    — Cato the Elder (234-149 BC)

"He died in bed."    — Tombstone of renowned gunfighter Doc Holliday (1851—1887).

"Go away — I'm asleep."    — Tombstone of Joan Hackett (1934—1983).

"Oh well what ever."    — Tombstone of Lola S. Holt (1923—2004).

"I see dumb people."    — Tombstone of Micah G. Green (1985—2001).

"Shit happens."    — Tombstone of Edith Tina Barlow (1941—1991).

"I told you I was sick."    — Tombstone of Spike Milligan (1918—2002), British actor.

"I'm in on a plot."    — Tombstone of Alfred Hitchcock (1899—1980), British director.

"I will NOT be right back after this message."    — Tombstone of Merv Griffin (1925—2007), British director.

"There goes the neighborhood."    — Tombstone of Rodney Dangerfield (1936—2004), British director.

"Let me out of here !!!"    — From a tombstone.

"I was hoping for a pyramid."    — From a tombstone.

"Damn it's dark down here"    — From a tombstone.

"One way — Do not enter"    — From a tombstone.

"Raised four beautiful daughters with only one bathroom and still there was love."    — From a tombstone.

"Now I know something you don't."    — From a tombstone.

"I came here without being consulted and I leave without my consent."    — From a tombstone.

"Here lies John Yeast. Pardon me for not rising."    — From a tombstone.

"I made some good deals and I made some bad ones. I really went in the hole with this one"    — From a tombstone.

"We finally found a place to park in Gerogetown."    — From the tombstone of Katharine and Sterling Hillonshead.

"Longest Live Burial World Record Attempt."    — From a tombstone.

"I thought my doctor said I was heading for a rave."    — From a tombstone.

"For a good time, dig."    — Epitaph of Platy Paul.

"How did it get so dark ?!?"    — From a tombstone.

"Where did everybody go ?"    — From a tombstone.

"Some come to this graveyard
To sit and think,
But I've come here to
Rot and stink."    — From a tombstone.

"Died at the age of 102 at the hands of a justifiably outraged husband."    — From a tombstone.

"Scotty... beam me up !"    — From a tombstone.

"I'll thank you not to put your butt on my grave."    — From a tombstone.

"Non!"    — Epitaph wanted by Louis-Ferdinand Céline, french writer, refused by the cemetery (1946).

"Here lies a man who knew how to enlist the service of better men than himself."    — Tombstone of Andrew Carnegie.

"Here lies Kenneth Lay, which is what he did pretty much every second he was alive."    — Danny Gallagher.

"He neither drank, smoked, nor rode a bicycle. Living frugally, saving his money, he died early, surrounded by greedy relatives. It was a great lesson to me."    — John Barrymore (1882—1942) US actor.

"Posterity will ne'er survey
a Nobler grave than this:
Here lie the bones of Castlereagh:
Stop, traveller, and piss !"    — Lord Byron's poem on Lord Castlereagh.

"Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at 1700 N 17th St this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. It was. Age 31."    — Newsflash.

"That's All Folks !"    — Epitaph of Mel Blanc, The Man of a Thousand Voices.

"... good career move."    — Gore Vidal on the death of Truman Capote.

"Here lies One Whose Name was writ in Water."    — Epitaph of John Keats (1795—1821).

"I've played everything but the harp."    — Lionel Barrymore (1848—1954) US actor, when asked what words he would like engraved on his tombstone.

"Go, stranger, and tell the Lacedaemonians that here we lie, obedient to their commands."    — Leonidas (d. 480 BC) King of Sparta. Epitaph over the tomb in which he and his followers were buried after their defeat at Thermopylae.

"Stranger ! Approach this spot with gravity !
John Brown is filling his last cavity."    — Epitaph of a dentist.

"German poet Heinrich Heine left his entire estate to his wife, but with one condition: she had to remarry 'because then there will be at least one man to regret my death'."

"They buried my grandmother in the wrong plot. They made a grave mistake."

"She sleeps alone at last."    — Robert Benchley (1889—1945) US humorist. Suggested epitaph for an actress.

"Kata ton daimona eau tou (True to his own spirit)."    — Jim Morrison (Père Lachaise Cemetery, Paris).

"Confusion will be my epitaph / As I crawl a cracked and broken path..."    — King Crimson.

"Do you see this watch ? On his deathbed, my grandfather sold me this watch."    — Woody Allen.

"I don't want to be immortal through my works. I want to be immortal by not dying."    — Woody Allen.

"Once in one's life, for one mortal moment, one must make a grab for immortality; if not, one has not lived."    — Silvester Stallone.

"I have moved. New address: cemetery. I'm looking forward to visitors."    — Newspaper add by Roland Jacob (1950-2006), Switzerland.

"Végre nem butulok tovább (I've finally stopped getting dumber)."    — Suggested epitaph of Paul Erdos.

"Keep Looking Up was my life's admonition
I can do little else in my present position."    — Jack Horkheimer (1938-2010), astronomer.

"He was an amazing Excel guy... Everyone in the bullpen used his templates."    — From an obituary in the Financial Times (2024).

"At my funeral I want there to be a big 'live laugh love' sign with the 'live' crossed out."

"I won't be right back."    — Jerry Springer (1944-2023), saying he wanted this on his tombstone.

"I intend to live forever — so far, so good."    — Stephen Wright.

Here's a good site for more gravestone quotes.

Funerals and wills

"You spend your whole life gathering guests for your funeral."    — @rubyshawx.

"The reason so many people showed up at his funeral was because they wanted to make sure he was dead."    — Samuel Goldwyn (1882—1974), Polish-American film producer. Referring to fellow film producer Louis B. Mayer.

"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."    — Kehlog Albran, The Profit.

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."    — Yogi Berra.

"The first thing you should do when you get up is read the obituaries. You never know when you'll see a name that will just make your day."    — Ed Salisbury.

"On New Year's Day, I made a resolution to live every day like it was my last. It worked well, until I realized that I was flat broke and the owner of 253 pre-paid funeral plans."    — Kevin Kee.

"I think you should live your life so that the maximum number of people will attend your funeral."    — Scott Adams.

"Why is it that we rejoice at a wedding and cry at a funeral ? It is because we are not the person involved."    — Mark Twain.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."    — Mark Twain.

"What need is there to weep over parts of life? The whole of it calls for tears."    — Seneca (4BC-65), Roman philosopher.

"I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying 'You're next'. They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals."    — scirDSL.

"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."    — Garrison Keillor.

"Life's too short for a funeral."    — Bill Smith, cook aboard the 1902 Scottish National Antarctic Expedition.

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will... we will... miss you."    — @murrman5.

"I swear on my dead relatives — and even on the ones who are not feeling too good."

"Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears."    — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

"Me: *tossing dodgeballs at my old gym teacher* who needs to look alive now ?
His widow: please stop."    — Adam Cerious

"My Grief Counselor just died suddenly. But he did such a good job I don't even care."

"I want a viking funeral but I don't have a boat, so chuck my corpse onto some rich guy's yatch and set it on fire."    — @BipolarBearDick

"I hate funerals — I'm not a mourning person."    — Will Mars.

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it."    — Bumper sticker.

"Where there's a will, there's a won't."

"You do inherit half of my genetic capital. Period."    — Seen in a will.

"Live your life in such a way that your heirs sort through your possessions whispering 'what the fuck. what the FUCK. What in the SHIT'."    — Jared Pechacek.

"Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body."    — @Gooooats.

"When I donate my body to science they will be like wow. I do not want this."    — @nerdjpg.

"I give everyone permission to milk my death for personal benefits if I die. I don't care if we're just acquaintances, if we ever talked and I suddenly drop dead one day I want you to tell your boss you just lost a friend and take the day off. My treat."    — @lgbtop.

"Bad news folks ! I waited in line for 16 hours to see the queen. But by the time I got there she was fuckin DEAD !"    — wint.

"At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next."

"After my funeral I want one of my friends to take my phone and text everyone 'Thanks for coming'."

"You spend your whole life gathering guests for your funeral."

"When I die everyone must sleep at the graveyard, y'all can't leave me alone the first night with people I don't know."

Wars, guns, cigarettes and other causes

"If an egg breaks from the outside, life ends. If an egg breaks from the inside, life begins."

"People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for it too."

"Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons."    — Bertrand Russell.

"We ain't a sharp species. We will kill each other over arguments about what happens after you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."    — Justin.

"— What happens after you die 
— Lots of things happen after you die — they just don't involve you."

"The object of war is not to die for your country, but make the other son-of-a-bitch die for his."    — General Patton.

"If you want to survive the war, become the war."    — John Rambo, US philosopher.

"War is cruelty. There's no use trying to reform it. The crueler it is, the sooner it will be over."    — William Tecumseh Sherman.

"War does not determine who is right, only who is left."

"America just needs a mom to be like, 'A new war? You got new war money? You never even finished the last two. We have plenty of war at home'."    — Alex Giampapa.

"There are so many, and our country is so small, where will we find room to bury them all ?"    — A finnish soldier about the invading russians, 1939.

"I helped a nazi cover-up their swastika tatoo today. Looking at it now you'd never know it was there, pretty wild what six feet of dirt can do."    — Brandy Bryant.

"'Liberty or Death' is a false dichotomy, and a phrase that can only be repeated by someone that has never had to make that choice. You don't win wars by dying, you win them by living."    — Anonymous.

"What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet ?
When a bullet kills someone, you know it's been fired."

"When I joined the militia I had promised myself to kill one fascist — after all, if each of us killed one they would soon be extinct."    — George Orwell, Homage to Catalonia.

"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it."    — Oscar Wilde.

"A dead man doesn't fight wars."    — Venetian proverb.

"I have one intelligent child who is designing a parachute and, putting this as politely as I can, I have another child willing to try the parachute."    — Jessie.

"Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a bouncer."

"Find what you love and let it kill you."    — Charles Bukowski.

"We named our Christmas tree Amy Winehouse this year because it's gonna die and leave needles all over the place..."

"There's three kinds of people. People you follow, people you protect, and people you kill."    — Amos in The Expanse.

"You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you a new way."    — Will Rogers (1879—1935), US actor and humorist.

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

"My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died he kept insisting for us to 'be positive', but it's hard without him."

"Around 60 people agreed to stab Julius Caesar. At the end of it, Caesar's body only had 23 stab wounds. Even back then, not all the members for a group project would do their part."    — @JoemWasTaken.

"People are losing the spirit of the Ides of March. It's not about just stabbing. It's about coming together to stab in groups."    — Joseph Scrimshaw.

"Most people would rather die than think. Many do."    — Bertrand Russell.

"A 'lethal dose' is also 'a lifetime supply'."

"I'm for a stronger death penalty."    — George W. Bush.

"In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal."

"You can't hug a child with nuclear arms !"    — Bumper sticker...
"...but napalm will surely warm their hearts..."    — ...written below.

"Remember kids, once you have pulled the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend."

"I've always found decapitation to be the best way to get ahead."

"When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a skull."

"Peace /n/: A rare state which has only existed when a despot has been fearsome or strong enough to impose it. The image of your head on the end of a stick is a strong incentive toward 'visualizing world peace'."    — Boyd Rice.

"My mom, out of the blue, asked me if I ever thought of joining the army and was like 'I don't approve of that, but you might like it' and I was like 'approve of what?' so she was like 'you know, killing people'."    — Bring.

"If you're gonna die anyway, remember there's room for the fucker that killed you in that grave too."

"The human population is 90% gullible, violence-prone dipshits."    — Scott Adams.

"Guns don't kill people. But people who kill people sure seem to like guns an awful lot."    — Jim Rosenberg.

"A bullet may well have your name written on it, but a grenade simply says: 'To whomever it may concern'."

"Planned parenthood isn't killing children. You're thinking of the NRA."

"Our guns don't kill people. Bullets do. Our guns just make the bullets go really fast."    — George Nemeyer.

"Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the one holding it."    — Mr. Greenfatigues.

"I have a 45 and a shovel. I doubt anyone will miss you."    — Clueless.

"No innocent man buys a gun, and no happy man writes his memoirs."    — Garrison Keillor.

"What's the difference between me and cancer ?
My dad didn't beat cancer."

"Cigarettes don't kill people — cancer kills people."    — R.M. Weiner.

"Killing cancer is easy; making sure the patient stays alive is the hard part."

"Dark humor is like a child with cancer: it never gets old."

"At the store today a bald kid ran up to me. He asked if I had cancer too. I said no, I just got old. He said he hopes he never gets old. I told him not to worry."

"Every cigarette you smoke takes 7 minutes off your student loan debt."

"One day that Indian weed will kill more white men, than white men have killed Indians."    — Daniel Waterhouse about tobacco in The System of the World.

"It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life."    — Jackie Mason.

"In the USA, it is proper etiquette to ask if the person would prefer dying before you call an ambulance. Ambulances are expensive."

"Me: he died of natural causes. Cop: you pushed him off the roof. Me: gravity's natural."

"If I'm ever killed by a mountain lion, just know my last words were 'here kitty kitty'."

"Nelson thought he was coming, but he was going."    — New York magazine about Nelson Rockfeller's death while having sex with his secretary in 1979 (age 70).

"Contrary to popular belief, the Pulitzer Prize isn't the highest award in journalism. It's being killed by the CIA."

"I grew up just a stone's throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries."

"— You have 5 minutes before you die. What are you doing ? — Send a text to a friend saying if they won't share that text to 10 people I will die in 5 minutes."    — Timozkovic answering an r/AskReddit.

"She said she missed me. Normally that would be good, but she's reloading."

"Someone asked me what three things I would save if my house was on fire. I said my cat, my salamander and one of the twins."    — Ricky Gervais.

"Quick fact: 1 in 6 people find russian roulette mind blowing."

"Contrary to the title, nobody actually dies with a boner in Die Hard."

"I don't like making plans for the day because then the word 'premeditated' gets thrown around in the courtroom."

"When I die in a shooting, I hope it's the one everyone decides is the big one that day and not one of the smaller overlooked ones happening the same day."    — Daniel Kibblesmith.

"She died doing what she loved: walking into the road while saying 'Pedestrians have right of way'."

"Life begins at conception and ends in a school shooting."    — Jena Friedman mocking the GOP.

"Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic file because it's boring."    — Spooky Brittany.

"Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds ? Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today..."

"If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there."

"Rhinos kills as many people as you’d think a hippo kills.
Hippos kill as many people as you’d think a rhino kills."

"The highest honor in journalism is being murdered by the CIA."

"Dont run with bagpipes: you could put an aye out, or worse yet, get kilt."

"— I think the patient in room C is dying
— Does he have insurance ?
— No
— Yup, he's dying."

"I love that 'take out' means food, dating and murder."

"Husband: I saw a garbage disposal that's rated for bones.
Me: Like, what kind ? Finger, femur. There's a big difference.
Him:
Him: ....or chicken.
Me: Ohhh... that's probably what they mean.
Him: stares"

"Combat does not determine who is right. But it always determines who is left..."

"Imagine a Mafia guy who has completely misunderstood the phrase / the entire concept of 'Make it look like an accident' and he just shouts 'WHOOPS!' everytime he shoots someone."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."    — Steven Wright.

"Steve Irwin died as he lived... with animals in his heart."

"If I ever die from COVID, please know that my dying wish is that my corpse be catapulted at high speed directly into Mitch McConnell's bedroom window at 3 am."    — C.A. Pinkham.

"I have one child who is designing a parachute and, putting this as politely as I can, I have another child willing to try the parachute."

"If they open up a guillotine factory. I'll beheading there to apply for a job."    — BerryBnuuy.

"Best new auto safety feature: a giant spike in the middle of the steering wheel — just watch how carefully people drive !"

Suicide quotes

"Sucide is never the answer. You gotta outlive your enemies."

"Everybody knows that the great russian poet Maiakovski commited suicide. What is not so well known is that his last words were: 'Comrads, don't shoot'..."    — Fred Botten.

"One of my favorite games when I was a kid was 'murder/suicide'. Dad would show us a photo and ask us: 'Is it a murder or a suicide ?'"    — Colleen Doran.

"A murderer is just an extroverted suicide."    — Monty Python.

"Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism."

"My failed suicide attempt just managed to piss off my dad, who said: 'Would it kill you to do something right for a change ?'"    — mayboy.

"I told my psychiatrist that I have suicide thoughts; so now he's making me pay in advance"    — Rodney Dangerfield.

"At least Ian Curtis died doing what he loved: killing himself."

"Save the planet, kill yourself."    — Bumper sticker.

"I will commit suicide or die trying."

"Her cover version of Smells Like Teen Spirit is the reason Kurt killed himself."    — Courtney Love about Tori Amos.

"The hardest part of suicide for me was that my loved one was murdered, and my loved one was the murderer. The sadness and anger tear at you."

"Suicide doesn't end the pain. It just transfers it to other people."

"Not killing myself is a pesonal achievement but you can't really brag about it at dinner parties."

"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is, or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy."    — Albert Camus (1913—60) French existentialist writer, The Myth of Sisyphus.

"Just the other day I talked a girl out of jumping off a bridge. I told her 'hey, since you're going to die anyway, want to have sex with me real quick?' She was like 'What the fuck? No!'
So I told her, 'that's fine, I'll just wait until after'.
And just like that she decided not to jump."

"As soon as one does not kill oneself, one must keep silent about life."    — Albert Camus (1913—60) French existentialist writer, Notebooks.

"Support your local medical examiner: die strangely."

"Next time I'm opening up to someone is my autopsy."    — $adboy.

"Your medical bill may kill you, but your autopsy is free."

"Attention members of the Autopsy Club, saturday is open Mike night."    — Ruth Buzzi.

"How do you get a goth out of a tree ? Cut the rope."    — freshmint.

"One day my gf and I were watching TV, when the news reports came on talking about how there were suicide bombers in london, and how they destroyed the transit system. The news reporters said that these bombing were similar to the previous suicide bombings from a week before. Then my gf turns to me and asks, "Do you think that they are the same suicide bombers ?"    — Codegen.

"Wouldn't you say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem ?
I'm a Buddhist, I'd say suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem."

"I will commit suicide or die trying."    — andy.

"Every bomb defuser removes at least one bomb from the world."

"Where did little Jimmy go after getting lost in a minefield ?
Everywhere."

"The Iraqis have hundreds of seasoned suicide bombers."    — Fox News report.

"I think I relate so strongly to samurai films because they're about a class of men whose first reaction to failure or embarrassment is to kill themselves."    — @thamosdeaf.

"When you go to drown yourself always take off your clothes, they may fit your wife's next husband."    — Gregory Nunn.

"Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

Life'n'death quotes

"Life is a rude interruption of an otherwise peaceful non-existence."

"It is good to die before one has done anything deserving death."    — Anaxandides (250bc), Spartan ruler.

"Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we shall die."    — Imhotep (2667-2648BCE), egyptian architect, physician, chancellor and all around genius.

"I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house and be above ground than reign among the dead."    — Achilles' ghost, "The Odyssey".

"The concept of earning a living implies that, by default, you don't deserve to live."

"No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away..."    — Terry Pratchett.

"Some of you may die, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make."    — Lord Farquaad.

"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh."    — George Bernard Shaw.

"One of my students turned in a paper arguing that Hamlet and Macbeth both view death as a solution to their problems and the only difference is that Hamlet wants to kill himself and Macbeth would rather kill everybody else and I honestly treasure this insight."    — dukeofbookingham.

"When I was a boy my grandfather died, and he was a sculptor. He was also a very kind man who had a lot of love to give the world, and he helped clean up the slum in our town; and he made toys for us and he did a million things in his lifetime; he was always busy with his hands. And when he died, I suddenly realized I wasn't crying for him at all, but for all the things he did. I cried because he would never do them again, he would never carve another piece of wood or help us raise doves and pigeons in the backyard or play the violin the way he did, or tell us jokes the way he did. He was part of us and when he died, all the actions stopped dead and there was no one to do them just the way he did. He was individual. He was an important man. I've never gotten over his death. Often I think what wonderful carvings never came to birth because he died. How many jokes are missing from the world, and how many homing pigeons untouched by his hands. He shaped the world. He DID things to the world. The world was bankrupted of ten million fine actions the night he passed on."    — Ray Bradbury.

"It's called the 'circle of life' because it's pointless."

"Three stages of life:
1. Birth
2. What the fuck is this ?!?
3. Death"

"We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Sahara. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here. We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state from which the vast majority have never stirred ?"    — Professor Richard Dawkins.

"You know your life is over when you own a lawnmower."    — Todd Skinner.

"Nobody will say on their deathbed: 'I wish I had spent more time in the office'."

"We all have about two minutes to live, but taking a breath resets the clock."

"A safe can't walk behind a hearse."

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

"Why is being alive so expensive ? I'm not even having a good time."

"When you were born, you cried, and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice."    — Indian Proverb.

"Man is born crying. When he has cried enough, he dies."    — Kyoami in Ran (Akira Kurosawa).

"It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living."    — Terry Pratchett.

"To come out ahead, you have to die in debt."

"I tried donating blood today. NEVER AGAIN !!! Too many stupid questions: 'Whose blood is it ? Where did you get it from ? Why is it in a bucket ?'"

"All stories, if continued far enough, end in death."    — Hemmingway.

"Death is the ultimate destination. But we will make stops along the way."

"Who would not shudder if he were given the choice of eternal death or life again as a child ? Who would not choose to die ?"    — St. Augustine.

"Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."    — Mark Twain.

"Learn this well: While I am alive, you are my enemy, Death."    — Graffiti on a wall of Pompeii.

"Never challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions."

"Jesus is dead, Marx is dead, Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself."    — Tee-shirt.

"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there."    — Steve Jobs (1955-2011).

"I will face god and walk backward into hell."    — @drill.

"Please put an Airtag in my coffin to find out if I'm going to heaven or hell."    — Jack Corbett.

"We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse"    — Bumper sticker.

"Life's a beach, and then you drown."    — Bumper sticker.

"Life's a bitch, but look at the alternative..."

"You don't need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice."

"CPR always lasts a lifetime."

"— Doctor, what happens after we die ?
— We clean the bed and admit a new patient."

"Do not regret growing older, it is a privilege denied to many."

"Every corpse on Mt Everest was once an extremely motivated person."

"I'd like to do this before I die. Preferably not RIGHT before but I'm not picky."

"I'm going to live forever, or die trying !"    — Spider Robinson.

"In the event that I am reincarnated, I would like to return as a deadly virus, in order to contribute something to solve overpopulation."    — Prince Philip.

"The is nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."    — Jack E. Leonard.

"Not everyone considers the maximum extension of their life as the greatest achievement they can make."

"Dying is the last thing I want to do."

"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact."    — Elon Musk.

"This is your pilot. First, I have a little good news: you guys get to be on TV tonight."

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."    — Groucho Marx in A Day at the Races.

"They say you die twice: once when you take your final breath, and again when someone says your name for the last time."    — Banksy.

"I'm so not ready to die. It petrifies me. I go alone. I go to a place I don't know. It might be painful. It might be the end. My thought is that it is the end. I become nameless, and I spent a lifetime being known."    — William Shatner, 73, pondering mortality at a TV Critics Association Meeting in Los Angeles.

"Afraid of dying alone ? Become a bus driver !"

"My grief counsellor died. He was so good; I don't even care."

"The idea is to die young as late as possible."    — Ashley Montagu.

"Without the threat of death, there's no reason to live... at all."    — Marilyn Manson.

"Those who live by the sword die by the arrow."

"I'll kill anyone who gets in the way of me killing anyone."    — Yellowbeard.

"If you're frightened of dying and then you're holding on you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth."    — Jacob's Ladder.

"Life sucks, but Death swallows !"

"Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies."    — Adrienne Gusoff.

"I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it."    — kate_winslat.

"If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx."    — Grant Tanaka.

"If you have an organ donor card, you drop loot when you die."

"Naps are my favorite because it's like being dead without the commitment."    — Dylan Farella.

"My friend bled to death before we could find out his blood type. He kept saying, "be positive", but some days it's hard to."

"If there is a god, he will ask to beg my forgiveness."    — Carved into a concentration camp cell by a jewish prisoner.

"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."    — Bumper sticker.

"Always remember that the crowd that applauds your coronation is the same crowd that will applaud your beheading. People like a show."    — Terry Pratchett.

"Walt disney is not dead: He's in suspended animation."

"She's dead, Jim. Now get off her."

"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them."

"Kill for the love of killing ! Kill for the love of Kali !"    — Hindu saying.

"You can't kill me, I've got a magic... AAAARGH !"    — Many a great king's last words, according to Terry Pratchett.

"Many people don't get to learn from the results of their own guesses, due to being dead."    — Terry Pratchett.

"I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'"    — Zach Galifianakis (1969-), american actor.

"If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I will find something in them to hang him."    — Cardinal Richelieu (1585-1642).

"Dead people are all on the same level."    — Charles Starkweather (1938-1959), serial killer.

"Ancient battles were crazy, do you know how mad you have to be to travel 3 months on horseback to go die in a field."    — @bocxtop.

"To win any battle, you must fight as if you are already dead."    — Miyamoto Musashi.

"A matador is a guy who didn't have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer."    — Scott Adams.

"If it doesn't kill you, you'll learn from it. If it does kill you, I'll learn from it"

"If man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live."

"No such thing as spare time, no such thing as free time, no such thing as down time. All you got is life time.
Go."    — Henry Rollins.

"So apparently the 'turn it off and back on again' method doesn't work for life support machines."

"Rugby Players Eat Their Dead."    — Bumper sticker.

"It's from a girl, it's bullshit... besides, if someone were to shoot me onstage, what a nice footnote to rock'n'roll history."    — Courtney Love commenting on a death threat.

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."

"I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work for no reason."

"I once had a brush with mortality. The brush died."

"I once had a brush with mortality. Tasted like chicken."

"Feeling like a bad parent ? Quokkas toss their babies at predators so they can escape."

"My mom went to a baby shower but didn't read the bottom on the invitation and it said: 'Wear the color you think the baby is going to be'. My mom wore black."

"You're working hard, I'm not, and in 100 years, we'll both be dead."    — Wally (from Scott Adams' Dilbert strip).

"In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'."    — Scott Adams.

"I have lived with the prospect of an early death for the last 49 years. I'm not afraid of death, but I'm in no hurry to die. I have so much I want to do first. I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark."    — Stephen Hawking.

"When I hear somebody sigh: 'Life is hard', I am always tempted to ask: 'Compared to what ?'..."    — Sydney J. Harris.

"You can divide people into two groups: the part severed above the waist, and the part severed below."    — Kim Moser.

"A necromancer is just a really late healer."

"Why does everyone hates necromancers ? Can't a guy raise a family in peace ?"

"If you buy one book of the dead you get one free which is very necronomiconomical."    — @prufrockluvsong.

"Half of all adults in the United States say they have considered registering as an organ donor, although only some have purchased a motorcycle to show that they're really serious about it."

"Everyone enjoys cracking open a cold one every once in a while..."

"If you're being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do no play dead."

"I like people who can't die in their bed."    — Erri De Luca, italian climber and writer.

"The asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in Earth's history."    — Brain_hurting_thoughts.

"If we're bringing up kids that are so stupid that they kill themselves because of a song, what good are the kids in the first place ?"    — Marilyn Manson.

"If I had my life to live over I'd like to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual trouble, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones. You see, I'm one of those people who live sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel ligther that I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds, I would pick more daisies."    — Nadine Stair.

"According to your medical checkup, you are dead."    — A doctor to René Desmaison after he was rescued off the north face of Grandes Jorasses, having spent 342 hours without food or water.

"The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on."    — Joseph Heller, Catch-22.

"Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead."    — Euripides.

"Stand amongst the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask the ghosts if honor matters."

"Ghosts can't harm the living. If they could there would probably be only a handful of caucasians left in this world."

"One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged."    — Heinrich Heine (1797-1856).

"If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment."    — Douglas Jerrold (1803-1857).

"If you're driving a hearse with a corpse in the back, is it ok to use the carpool lane on the highway ?"

"Every single person who confuses correlation and causation ends up dying..."

"Dyin' ain't much of a livin'."    — [The outlaw] Josey Wales.

"According to Iranian Law, legal age for an execution is 15 for a boy and 9 for a girl..."

"Never worry about your heart until it stops beating."

"It's too bad she won't live. But then again, who does ?"    — Edward James Olmos speaking the last line in Blade Runner..

"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't."    — Bumper sticker.

"Where life had no value, death, sometimes, had its price. That is why the bounty killers appeared."    — Intro to Sergio Leone's For a few more dollars.

"My biggest fear is a killer saying some funny shit while I'm playing dead."    — Pierre Savage-Hunter.

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming 'Wow! What a Ride!'"    — Hunter S. Thompson.

"If you take care of your body it will last you a lifetime."

"I'm not advocating that women are smarter than men, but it's kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders."

"'Humans will always murder, no gun law can change that!' screams a country that outlawed too much toothpaste on a plane."

"Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor."    — Scott Adams.

"Someone once asked Asimov what he'd do it he knew this would be the last day of his life: Type faster."

"I truly hate the word 'unalive'. There are so many other euphemisms that fictional Italian mobsters worked so hard to provide you with and you just ignore them: #sleepin wit da fishes #cashed in their chips #six feet under #kicked the bucket #pushin up daisies #takin a dirt nap #beefed it mega hard #kicked the oxygen habit #pining for the fiords #croaked #wasted #bit the dust #got murdalized #yeed his last haw #closin her eyes for an extended period of time #went to live at the big farm #presently hunting down reagan #she's riggin her mortis #turnin into plants #rolling in the deep #he earned a living but now he's livin in an urn #she's denaturing #off to join the skeleton war."    — warrior-of-the-runes.

"One thinks one's something unique and wonderful at the center of the universe, when in fact one's just a slight interruption in the ongoing march of entropy."    — Aldous Huxley, Island.

"It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life."    — Irish Proverb.

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."    — Bumper sticker.

"My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, 'I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life'. Toddlers are cold-blooded, man."

"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional."

"Anyone that makes it to old age is at least part coward."    — Grampa Simpson.

"How do you know when you're getting old—?
When you feel a sharp pain in your chest, you look down, and you're standin' on your titty."

"God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever."

"Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician."

"Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone."

"Yesterday we had to pull the plug on my grandma, I needed the outlet for my laptop."    — vintendo.

"Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common ?
A: They're both filled with stiffs — except one's coming and one's going."

"Glass coffins... Will they be popular ? Remains to be seen."

"Sleep ? That's just Death teasing us with just the tip..."

"Ever accidentally throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it ? Haha I did this with my life."

"Live long and prosper — just don't let the IRS know."

"I refuse to believe that corporations are people until Texas executes one."    — DemocraticUnderground's Earth First.

"The only people in hospital whose conditions ought to be described as stable are those in the mortuary."

"My grandmother lived to be 102. When I asked her what her secret was, she said, 'God's punishing me'."    — Viktor Winetrout.

"It's better to be tried by twelve than carried by six."    — Old Adage.

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."    — Joe Louis.

"Life isn't fair. It's fairer than death, is all."    — End of The Princess Bride.

"Useless facts #9242: No American has died of old age since 1951. That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates."

"Your worst day when you're alive is better than your best day when you're dead."

"He was the sort of person whose personality would be greatly improved by a terminal illness."

"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students."    — Bumper sticker.

"Hypocrite /n./: a man who murdered both his parents, and then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan."    — Ambrose Bierce.

"Here's the plan: When I find myself at death's door, I'm going to ring the doorbell and run like mad."    — Joseph Moore.

"My grandfather just died. In a way I'm quite proud of him. He died having sex to my grandma, he is 93 years old and was getting his thing on. Anyways my grandma said 'We were doing it on sunday morning, it was sunday cause he could use the church bells to pace himself'. I think he would be alive today if an icecream van hadn't gone past."    — Mitlancer.

"— If you could have sex with anybody (dead or alive) who would it be !? — Somebody alive for sure."

"Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon."    — Susan Ertz.

"I'm immortal... so far."    — Earle Robinson.

"We're all immortal. Until one day it wears off."

"I like to look on the bright side: Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."    — Scott Frank.

"There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbours might say."    — Cyril Connolly (1903-74) British journalist.

"I am so old that when I was young the Dead Sea was only sick."

"Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake !"

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him."    — Mark Twain.

"Olivia [De Havilland] has always said I was first at everything — I got married first, got an Academy Award first, had a child first. If I die first, she'll be furious, because again I'll have got there first !"    — Joan Fontaine [died in 2013 at 96] about her sister [died in 2020 at 104].

"Sometimes I'll stand on top of my apartment balcony railing, close my eyes, tilt my head skyward, stretch my arms out and think to myself: This always ends badly. Why do I keep doing this ?"    — Brad Osberg.

"I'll bet in Heaven they have one single word that means 'back when I was alive'. You know, to save time in meetings and stuff."    — Derek Littlefield.

"I'd rather DIE than go to heaven."    — William Murderface.

"There will be sleeping enough in the grave."    — Proverb.

"When I die I give all cute goth girls permission to do photo-shoots on my grave."

"They told him to throw down his sword and return to the Earth... Hah! Time enough for the Earth in the grave."    — From the movie Conan the Barbarian.

"The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long. And you have burned so very very brightly, Roy."    — Tyrell in Blade Runner.

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."    — Johnny Carson.

"We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."    — Justin.

"Eat healthy, stay fit, carry a handgun, die anyway."

"Seeing a murder on television... will help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some."    — Alfred Hitchcock.

"Merdering sprees are for Frenchmen with diarrhea."    — Dedeurmetdebaard.

"There are times I miss you so much I wish I could remember where I hid your body."

"Q: If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do ?
A: Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."    — Woody Allen, Without Feathers.

"The graveyards are full of indispensable men."    — Charles DeGaulle.

"Homicide, /n./ The slaying of one human by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he died by one kind or another — the classification is for the advantage of the lawyers."    — Ambrose Bierce.

"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous..."    — Robert Benchley.

"Some people call them 'cars' or 'trucks'; I call them 'dimensional transmogrifiers' because they change three-dimensional cats into two-dimensional ones."    — F. Frederick Skitty.

"He died doing what he loved: saying 'Cars have to stop for pedestrians', as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk."    — @panmidwest.

"Support the American Kidney Foundation. Don't wear your motorcycle helmet."

"When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil."

"Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors."    — Walter Winchell.

"I always wanted to be somebody. I see now that I should have been more specific."    — Lily Tomlin.

"Don't think of them as obituaries; think of them as love classifieds for necrophiliac morticians !"    — LordKasreyn.

"Nothing is so good for the moral of the troops as to occasionally see a dead general."    — Field Marshall Slim.

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers."    — Emo Phillips.

"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."    — Stephen Wright.

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."    — Stephen Wright.

"Life is a sexually transmitted, fatal disease..."

"Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive."

"Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular."

"Old age is the only disease you don't look forward to being cured of."    — From Citizen Kane, 1941.

"Life is like a box of chocolate: it ends sooner for fat people."

"Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened."    — Terry Pratchett.

"Live every day as if it were your last. Because one day, you'll be right."

"People: death is not the end
Me: THERE'S MORE ?!?"

"Skin is just leather waiting to happen."

"Although the time of death is approaching me, I am not afraid of dying and going to Hell or (what would be considerably worse) going to the popularized version of Heaven. I expect death to be nothingness and, for removing me from all possible fears of death, I am thankful to atheism."    — Isaac Asimov, "On Religiosity".

"Women have one mission in life: to be beautiful. When one gets old, one must learn how to break mirrors. I am very gently expecting to die."    — La belle Otero.

"Those who think they have not time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness."    — Edward Stanley, the Earl of Derby, 1873.

"When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts, you can be sure you're dead."    — Herbert Achternbusch.

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."    — Jack Handley.

"Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car from Avis again."    — Herbie Sperling, when asked about the two pistols and an axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his rented car.

"Time marks us while we are marking time."    — Theodore Roethke.

"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead."    — Albert Einstein.

"I'm not scared of death. I'm scared of life where death is my only destination."

"If a man says he isn't scared of dying is either a liar or a ghurka."    — Field Marshal Sam Manekshaw.

"You might argue that my example is bad because Einstein is dead. But according to physicist Erwin Schrodinger, Einstein is neither dead nor alive until we dig him up and open the casket. If he's alive, he might want his brain back, which I understand is in a Ziplock bag in some guy's freezer. And this is a perfect example of why examples always distract from the main point."    — Scott Adams.

"He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival."    — Scott Adams.

"You already barely exist. Disappearing entirely won't be that much of a change."    — Scott Adams.

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure."    — Clarence Darrow (1857—1938), US lawyer.

"I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers."    — Rudyard Kipling (1865—1936), Indian-born British writer. Writing to a magazine that had mistakenly published an announcement of his death.

"...that great lover of peace, a man of giant stature who moulded, as few other men have done, the destinies of his age."    — Jawaharlal Nehru (1889—1964), First Indian prime minister. Referring to Stalin. Obituary tribute, Indian Parliament, 9 Mar 1953.

"The Earth is degenerating these days. Bribery and corruption abound. Children no longer mind their parents, every man wants to write a book, and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching."    — Assyrian Stone Tablet, c.2800BCE

"The descent to Hades is the same from every place."    — Anaxagoras.

"CS Lewis said somewhere that it isn't just that his friend died, it's that the part of him that only his friend could bring out would never be brought out again."    — Literally Chad.

"Some people are like Slinkies... they're really good for nothing but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

"The app is called TikTok because with every video you watch you are reminded of the reasons humanity is running out of time."    — @MaxSparks9.

"Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude."

"And when you kill a man, you're a murderer
Kill many, and you're a conqueror
Kill them all... Ooh... Oh you're a god !"    — Megadeth.

"The death of one is a tragedy, the death of millions just a statistic."    — Marilyn Manson.

"I like going for runs at night because the added fear of being murdered really does wonders for my cardio."

"I don't like making plans for the day because then the word 'premeditated' gets thrown around in the courtroom."

"It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees."    — Dolores Ibarruri (1895-?)

"The value of life is not the length of it but the use we make of it."    — Michel de Montaigne (1533—1592)

"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart."    — Confucius (c.550-c.478 BC)

"Great deeds are usually wrought at great risks."    — Herodotus.

"In the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."    — Abraham Lincoln.

"Don't try to add more years to your life. Better add more life to your years."    — Blaise Pascal (1623-1662).

"I am someone who did not die when I should have died."    — Anne Carson.

"I wouldn't mind dying — it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me."    — R. Geis.

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman ?"    — Woody Allen.

"Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage."    — Norm Macdonald.

"I'm pretty sure, I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that if you die, the cancer dies at exactly the same time. So that, to me, is not a loss; that's a draw."    — Norm Macdonald.

"The old man has his death before his eyes; the young man behind his back."    — Proverb.

"You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever."

"We have no reliable guarantee that the afterlife will be any less exasperating than this one, have we ?"    — Noël Coward (1899—1973), British dramatist.

"We sometimes congratulate ourselves at the moment of waking from a troubled dream; it may be so the moment after death."    — Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804-64), US novelist and writer.

"After your death you will be what you were before your birth."    — Arthur Schopenhauer (1788—1860), German philosopher.

"I was dead for millions of years before I was born and it never inconvenienced me a bit."    — Mark Twain.

"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."    — Mark Twain.

"Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line !"    — From the movie Princess Bride.

"May you spend two hours in heaven before the devil finds out you're dead."    — Saying.

"There's a reason people don't make jokes about the Jonestown Massacre: the punch line's too long."

"It has been brought to my attention that the stick figure decals on the back windows of vehicles are not pedestrian 'kill' scores, but, actually are meant to represent members of your family. I'll be removing mine ASAP to avoid any further confusion."

"Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string."

"Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to kill him."    — Gus McLeavy, Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac.

"I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear."    — Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

"Bear attack tip: if attacked, play dead. It will be good practice for when you die a couple minutes later."

"I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that."

"This instinct does not always pay off in the modern world; for example, possums scavenging roadkill may use it in response to the threat posed by oncoming traffic, and subsequently end up as roadkill themselves."    — About 'playing possum'.

"Q: What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnheart have in common?
A: Their last big hit was 'The Wall'."

"100 000 lemmings can't be wrong."

"Sky-diving: good till the last drop."

"I'd tell you about Jonestown but the punchline is too long."

"Zombies and mummies are the same monster they just come from different socioeconomic backgrounds."    — Everett Byram.

"There is a big difference between just being miserable and dying."    — W. E. Whitaker.

"I played poker with tarot cards once. I got a full house and three people died."    — shigelojoe.

"I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend I've found my dog, then I tell them to kill him anyway because I already threw away all his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humour."    — ZoK.

"Helpful literary criticism from my 6th grader: if there's a dog on the cover and the book has won an award, I won't read it, because the dog definitely dies."    — Rebecca Makkai.

"I would literally trade fifteen years of my life for my cat to live forever, but he'd probably trade me for a piece of chicken..."

"If you go to Heaven without being naturally qualified for it you will not enjoy yourself there."    — George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950), Irish dramatist and critic.

"Heaven, as conventionally conceived, is a place so inane, so dull, so useless, so miserable, that nobody has ever ventured to describe a whole day in heaven, thought plenty of people have described a day at the seaside."    — George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950), Irish dramatist and critic.

"Only when a tree has fallen can you take the measure of it. It is the same with a man."    — Anne Morrow Lindbergh.

"The number of people older than you in the world will never increase."

"Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone."    — Pablo Picasso.

"How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are going to be dead."    — Pryor's Observation.

"It's not that life is so short... It's that you're dead so long."    — Mark Whetu.

"Life is not short: it's the longest thing you do !"

"I am a humanist, which means, in part, that I have tried to behave decently without any expectation of regards or punishments after I'm dead."    — Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007).

"Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down — hence the expression 'to get fired'."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice ?"    — Stephen Wright.

""What's the youngest you can die of old age? ?"    — Stephen Wright.

"If there is a meaning to life, why do we all have to die ?"

"Why shouldn't we speak ill of the dead ? They are the only people who can't sue us."

"If I had known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself."

"My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go back and dig her up."

"If a lawyer and your mother-in-law were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go watch television or just have a drink ?"

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."    — A letter to a dead person from the Greenville County, SC Department of Social Services.

"They're all dead. They just don't know it yet."    — From the movie The Crow.

"Cop: So, I'm writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You're going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk."

"3 millions for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher ? For 3 millions you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to satan in person."    — Frankie Boyle.

"Most people willingly accept that they will die, yet they will kill each other to live a day longer."    — U.Sov., Conversation On Humanity (1997).

"Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back."    — Marcus Aurelius (121-180), roman emperor

"Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones."    — Marcus Aurelius (121-180), roman emperor

"Sometimes I get really depressed and I think life isn't worth living. Then I look around and see all the wonder and miracles around me and I realize life is worth living... Just not my life."    — Lili Von Schtupp.

"For those of you who think we are descendants from those cavemen who stood and fought with dinosaurs, you must be nuts, we are descendants from the ones who ran like hell to live."    — BlackPowder Bill, While thinking one night (1975).

"The end of the world already happened with the dinosaurs. WE are the post-apocalyptic monsters."

"All extremists should be taken out and shot."

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."

"Health /n./ The slowest possible rate at which one can die."

"The quickest way to a man's heart is not through the stomach but through his chest... with an axe."

"Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Apparently not 3. My basement is still dark as fuck."

"The only thing separating you from certain death at 65mph is a painted white line and a mutual agreement to not play bumper cars."

"Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy."

"What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die ?"

"Every time the bell rings it's someone's worst day, last day, or both."    — A firefighter.

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy. In a jar. On my desk."    — Stephen King.

"The older I get the more I side with the witches from fairy tales who moved out to the woods and killed someone who bothered them."    — MehGyver.

"Call me a coward, but I've actually dealt with the whole idea of staring death in the eye, and it is over-rated."    — greyhueofdoubt.

"What do the movies Titanic and the 6th sense have in common ? Icy dead people..."    — mysevenyearitch.

"If I can make just one person laugh, then it must've been a pretty good eulogy."    — Wade Kwon.

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."    — George Carlin.

"— When you die, which body part dies last ?
— The pupils, they dilate."

"Property is theft. Nobody 'owns' anything. When you die, it all stays here."    — George Carlin.

"I'd like to die like my father died... My father died fucking. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time."    — Richard Pryor.

"I put the Laughter in Slaughter."

"Guess who has 7 thumbs and just got fired from the morgue...?"

"An 8yr old just asked why the tooth fairy doesn't just dig up dead people to get teeth."

"You can't shoot me; I have a very low threshold for death."    — Jimmy Bond, Casino Royale.

"A lightning strike in the Democratic Republic of Congo killed all 11 members of one soccer team while leaving the opposing team in the match untouched, leading to accusations of witchcraft by the survivors."

"Didja ever notice that a dead high school jock is a 'tragedy', but a dead high school geek is just dead ?"    — David Rosenfeld.

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."    — Mel Brooks.

"Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play ?"

"What is it about a man's cell phone going off in a theater that makes him look more and more like Abe Lincoln ?"    — Jerry L. Embry.

"85% of the men who die while having sex, die with someone other than their spouse."

"I want to be remembered after I die. That's why I try to borrow 5 bucks from everybody I meet. I mean, face it, I'm never gonna be president or anything."    — Mystic7.

"Fulfillment in life is loving a good woman and killing a bad man."    — Robert A. Heinlein.

"He'd make a lovely corpse."    — Charles Dickens (1812—70), British novelist.

"I don't hate you. I just hope your next period happen in a shark tank."

"No one is a virgin, life screwed us all."

"He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died."    — Clue narrator.

"Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead."

"Want to know what happens after death ? Go look at some dead things."    — Dave Enyeart.

"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero."    — Fight Club narrator.

"You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile."    — Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club.

"The loser of a knife fight dies on scene. The winner dies in a hospital."

"Wherever he is, I hope he's dead there too."    — Comment about Henry Kissinger's death.

"After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me: 'Maybe life isn't for everyone'."    — Larry Brown.

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

"— I invented a glass coffin.
— Do you really think that's a good idea ?
— Remains to be seen..."

"When everything else failed, we can still become immortal by making an enormous blunder..."    — John Kenneth Galbraith.

"Having been born 'last century' makes me sound old. Being born 'last millennium' makes me sound like an immortal."    — Woody Goodman.

"I'll be mellow when I'm dead."    — Weird Al Yankovic.

"He who fears not death is immortal.
He who feels no pain is relentless."

"A real patriot will die on their 65th birthday."

"Doc Kevorkian for White House Physician !"    — Bumper Sticker.

"Every man dies. Not every man really lives."    — Mel Gibson in Braveheart.

"Everything I need to know about life I got from killing smart people and eating their brains."    — Helmet Sticker.

"If you knew how quickly people forget the dead... You will stop living to impress people."    — Christopher Walken.

"The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!'"    — Jon Stewart about how the world will end.

"— You know," said Arthur, "it's times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young."
"— Why, what did she tell you ?"
"— I don't know, I didn't listen."    — The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

"Le vin d'ici vaut mieux que l'eau de là."

"Live by your favorite quote."

And if you want to do something after you're dead, check this site out.